SWF

SWF stands for Single White Female...as in the creepy movie with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh. In the movie, Leigh plays a woman who stalks Fonda's character, even going so far as to have her hair cut and dyed in the exact same style.

My SWF hasn't cut and dyed her hair yet, but I wouldn't at all be shocked if she did.

My SWF story starts 3 years ago. SWF was a new hire at my workplace. She didn't really know anyone, and seemed lonely, so I befriended her and helped her transition into her new job. We became good friends, both in and outside of work, occasionally going for dinner or drinks after work, or shopping. After one particularly rough week at work, we even had an old school "slumber party" complete with junk food, scary movies, mud masks, and talking until the wee hours of the morning. I felt that I had made a true friend, and began to confide in her about my divorce, my current relationship, and other details about my personal life. Typically, I do not open up to people very easily, it takes a long time to earn my trust, and I am very wary of people I do not know very well. Unfortunately, this is a perfect example of why I am so closed with people, as I found out in the case of SWF.

I had heard through another co-worker that SWF mentioned something about my divorce. I asked SWF if she had told this co-worker this information. She, of course, denied it. At the time, I believed that she was unfairly blamed, being the "new girl" and thought the co-worker was trying to cause trouble.

Fast forward a few months. SWF worked a 2nd job - a part time job with a catering company on weekends for some extra money. She mentioned that this job might be hiring and would I be interested - it paid cash under the table. Being in need of extra money, I said that I would be interested, and I got the job. SWF made sure that I was scheduled only when she was - to help me learn what to do, etc. After a few weekends of working together, she began to make strange statements, like "I'm really glad I can do this for you," or "I'm so glad I could help you out with 'your situation'", or "I bet this is a really big help with all of your bills". Hmmm. I am certainly uncomfortable discussing my finances, and felt a little annoyed by her implication. Then, I began to feel that she was saying these things over and over as if to say "I did something for you, now you owe me."

When she would ask to do something, and I already had plans, she would act annoyed. Then tell me after the weekend that she had done a big catering job and that I had missed out. My spending time with her seemed to be what she wanted in exchange for her getting me the job. She was using the catering jobs to hold over my head. But I don't operate that way...

Then, she began to ask somewhat inappropriate questions about my relationship - how often did I see my boyfriend, did we have sex every time I saw him, why weren't we married/engaged/living together. She seemed obsessed with my relationship to the point where she would make remarks indicating that she was doubtful that we would stay together, things like "Oh, that's a shame that you only see him 3 times a week", or "Wow, if I were you I would want to be engaged by now," or "Are you sure he isn't just using you for sex?".

She then moved on to my friendships. She knew my best friend also through work. She began calling my best friend, inviting her to lunch and excluding me, and inviting herself to my best friend's house if she knew I would be there. I knew what was going on, and voiced my concerns to my friend, who agreed.

SWF was a drain. Constantly complaining about one melodrama or another, always an issue, problem or illness that required my immediate undivided attention. SWF, I quickly realized was a negative and totally toxic person.

At one point, she asked if I wanted a roommate, and offered to move in with me to "help me pay my mortgage". Luckily, at that point, I had a bad gut feeling and politely declined. I found it strange that she was living with her boyfriend but would leave him to move in with me to "help with the mortgage" ??? Lots of red flags...

The final straw occurred when I received a call from SWF one evening. I was home, and did not feel like talking, so I let it go to voice mail. She did not leave a message. She called back shortly thereafter and left a rather angry voice mail saying "I know you're home, I just drove by your house and the lights are on." and hung up. Then a text message saying "Thanks for nothing." and finally, another voice mail, this one sappy and apologetic saying "I'm sorry, I was just upset, I miss you and I want to see you. Please call me it doesn't matter what time."

Needless to say, I didn't call. The next day, I texted that I had been feeling ill and went to sleep early. I began avoiding her at work, making up excuses as to why I couldn't go do things with her. It took a long time for her to "get the hint". She even tried confronting me at one point, and I just responded that we had grown apart, that I was very busy, and had a lot going on. BS, I know, but I didn't want to add fuel to what I already perceived as a full-blown fire.

The strangest part of all of this, is that during the course of this entire thing, SWF got engaged, bought a house with her fiance', got married (I did attend the wedding), got pregnant and had a baby. All wonderful occasions and milestones that should have brought her joy and fulfillment in her life. Instead, she was obsessing over me and every aspect of my life - my boyfriend, my finances, my job, my dogs. She asked other people questions to "check up" on me. She continued to try to maintain a friendship with my best friend.

This was all just too much. I am about a year removed from this situation. I still work with SWF, but make sure I have minimal contact. She sometimes calls or texts, I usually do not answer.

Sometimes I feel badly, thinking she really doesn't have any friends, and what that must feel like. But I then remind myself that the friends I want in my life are positive, supportive people who are there because they truly like me, not for some weird symbiotic quid-pro-quo dependent relationship.

Why am I writing about this now? Well, I saw SWF at work today, she was eavesdropping on a conversation I was having with someone else, and it reminded me why I decided to cut ties with this person. I truly hope that she finds the love and happiness in her life that she seems to crave. Perhaps with time, and a growing family, she will. In the meantime, I have moved on, learned my lesson, and feel validated in my decision. Friendships are sometimes a rocky road, but I feel that at least with this experience, I have grown as a person, and am all the wiser for it.