A Dilemma

I have recently come to realize how much I truly dislike my best friend's husband.

A bit about my best friend - we are like sisters. We met 12 years ago, and have been best friends ever since. We were together in our single days - sharing stories about dating, meeting our future husbands, purchasing our first homes.

I was in her wedding, and she was in mine. Now, fast forward to 2010. She has 3 beautiful children, an upgraded house with all the "bells and whistles", a brand new SUV, and a great career. She is a wonderful mother, wife, cook, and hostess. I often marvel at her ability to juggle her career and home life so effortlessly. She is beautiful, and always looks perfectly put together and styled. Something I can never do even without 3 kids and a husband...

Speaking of a husband...her husband is, by all outward appearances, a great guy. He comes across as the consummate "family man". He has a good job, works hard, and provides for his family. He is handsome, and funny, and makes a mean dirty martini...

However, lately I am finding myself disliking him more and more, for various reasons.

As I said, he is a hard worker, but his work takes precedence over his family. He often works late hours, and on weekends, while my friend is left to deal with their 3 children on her own. After they had their first child, she wanted to wait, but got pregnant shortly thereafter. She wanted to stop after child #2, but he wanted a boy (their first 2 were both girls). Child #3 was born 2 years later - a boy thankfully - and my friend got her tubes tied. All of their children are under the age of 7.

Her husband is often "too tired" after working all day to play with or really give any genuine attention to his children, choosing instead to relax in front of the television with a cold beer.

He sometimes makes snide comments in regards to my divorce, or my status as merely dating and not having children. On numerous occasions he has made negative remarks about my boyfriend's job (my bf was laid off from his job and had to take a temporary job until he gets a position in his field), the fact that we don't live together, and other aspects of my personal life (my house, my finances). Even once rudely commenting that I must be "jealous" of their home and family. Very hurtful to say the least...

Once, during a party, her husband had a few too many, and while passing me on the way to get another drink, made a suggestive comment about my outfit that evening and how "good" I looked.

He has gotten angry with me several times - once because I made a joke about moving in with them after I was divorced, again because I fed his dog from the table, and another time because I picked up his son when he was crying.

I am at their house quite often, several times a week at least. My friend and I joke that I am her "surrogate husband" as it often feels like I am more of a husband and partner to her than her real husband is. We joke in good fun, but I wonder if he feels somehow threatened by my presence.

Just this week, he returned home early from work (a true rarity) while I was still at their house playing in the yard with his children. Instead of saying hello, he merely stated "You're still here?" and walked inside.

I don't think he is abusive at all - verbally or physically. But rather neglectful, and maybe a bit controlling over his wife and children. If he was abusive, I would most certainly have spoken to her or her family immediatly. Abuse of any kind - verbal or physical - is simply untolerable to me, and I would have taken action regardless of the effect it would have on our friendship.

So...where does this leave me?

Well, I love my friend, and I would never - could never - discuss this with her in any open fashion that wouldn't hurt her feelings. Also, I wouldn't want to put her in an awkward position of having to feel uncomfortable if her husband and me are both there at the same time.

I guess I just wanted to vent, and put my feelings out there for the universe. Perhaps someday things will change, or she will notice and say something to him about his behavior, or I will just continue to ignore his rudeness.

But, there is a part of me that wants better for her, wants to tell her she deserves better, that he isn't good enough to have such a wonderful wife and children...but for now, I will remain silent.