SWF

SWF stands for Single White Female...as in the creepy movie with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh. In the movie, Leigh plays a woman who stalks Fonda's character, even going so far as to have her hair cut and dyed in the exact same style.

My SWF hasn't cut and dyed her hair yet, but I wouldn't at all be shocked if she did.

My SWF story starts 3 years ago. SWF was a new hire at my workplace. She didn't really know anyone, and seemed lonely, so I befriended her and helped her transition into her new job. We became good friends, both in and outside of work, occasionally going for dinner or drinks after work, or shopping. After one particularly rough week at work, we even had an old school "slumber party" complete with junk food, scary movies, mud masks, and talking until the wee hours of the morning. I felt that I had made a true friend, and began to confide in her about my divorce, my current relationship, and other details about my personal life. Typically, I do not open up to people very easily, it takes a long time to earn my trust, and I am very wary of people I do not know very well. Unfortunately, this is a perfect example of why I am so closed with people, as I found out in the case of SWF.

I had heard through another co-worker that SWF mentioned something about my divorce. I asked SWF if she had told this co-worker this information. She, of course, denied it. At the time, I believed that she was unfairly blamed, being the "new girl" and thought the co-worker was trying to cause trouble.

Fast forward a few months. SWF worked a 2nd job - a part time job with a catering company on weekends for some extra money. She mentioned that this job might be hiring and would I be interested - it paid cash under the table. Being in need of extra money, I said that I would be interested, and I got the job. SWF made sure that I was scheduled only when she was - to help me learn what to do, etc. After a few weekends of working together, she began to make strange statements, like "I'm really glad I can do this for you," or "I'm so glad I could help you out with 'your situation'", or "I bet this is a really big help with all of your bills". Hmmm. I am certainly uncomfortable discussing my finances, and felt a little annoyed by her implication. Then, I began to feel that she was saying these things over and over as if to say "I did something for you, now you owe me."

When she would ask to do something, and I already had plans, she would act annoyed. Then tell me after the weekend that she had done a big catering job and that I had missed out. My spending time with her seemed to be what she wanted in exchange for her getting me the job. She was using the catering jobs to hold over my head. But I don't operate that way...

Then, she began to ask somewhat inappropriate questions about my relationship - how often did I see my boyfriend, did we have sex every time I saw him, why weren't we married/engaged/living together. She seemed obsessed with my relationship to the point where she would make remarks indicating that she was doubtful that we would stay together, things like "Oh, that's a shame that you only see him 3 times a week", or "Wow, if I were you I would want to be engaged by now," or "Are you sure he isn't just using you for sex?".

She then moved on to my friendships. She knew my best friend also through work. She began calling my best friend, inviting her to lunch and excluding me, and inviting herself to my best friend's house if she knew I would be there. I knew what was going on, and voiced my concerns to my friend, who agreed.

SWF was a drain. Constantly complaining about one melodrama or another, always an issue, problem or illness that required my immediate undivided attention. SWF, I quickly realized was a negative and totally toxic person.

At one point, she asked if I wanted a roommate, and offered to move in with me to "help me pay my mortgage". Luckily, at that point, I had a bad gut feeling and politely declined. I found it strange that she was living with her boyfriend but would leave him to move in with me to "help with the mortgage" ??? Lots of red flags...

The final straw occurred when I received a call from SWF one evening. I was home, and did not feel like talking, so I let it go to voice mail. She did not leave a message. She called back shortly thereafter and left a rather angry voice mail saying "I know you're home, I just drove by your house and the lights are on." and hung up. Then a text message saying "Thanks for nothing." and finally, another voice mail, this one sappy and apologetic saying "I'm sorry, I was just upset, I miss you and I want to see you. Please call me it doesn't matter what time."

Needless to say, I didn't call. The next day, I texted that I had been feeling ill and went to sleep early. I began avoiding her at work, making up excuses as to why I couldn't go do things with her. It took a long time for her to "get the hint". She even tried confronting me at one point, and I just responded that we had grown apart, that I was very busy, and had a lot going on. BS, I know, but I didn't want to add fuel to what I already perceived as a full-blown fire.

The strangest part of all of this, is that during the course of this entire thing, SWF got engaged, bought a house with her fiance', got married (I did attend the wedding), got pregnant and had a baby. All wonderful occasions and milestones that should have brought her joy and fulfillment in her life. Instead, she was obsessing over me and every aspect of my life - my boyfriend, my finances, my job, my dogs. She asked other people questions to "check up" on me. She continued to try to maintain a friendship with my best friend.

This was all just too much. I am about a year removed from this situation. I still work with SWF, but make sure I have minimal contact. She sometimes calls or texts, I usually do not answer.

Sometimes I feel badly, thinking she really doesn't have any friends, and what that must feel like. But I then remind myself that the friends I want in my life are positive, supportive people who are there because they truly like me, not for some weird symbiotic quid-pro-quo dependent relationship.

Why am I writing about this now? Well, I saw SWF at work today, she was eavesdropping on a conversation I was having with someone else, and it reminded me why I decided to cut ties with this person. I truly hope that she finds the love and happiness in her life that she seems to crave. Perhaps with time, and a growing family, she will. In the meantime, I have moved on, learned my lesson, and feel validated in my decision. Friendships are sometimes a rocky road, but I feel that at least with this experience, I have grown as a person, and am all the wiser for it.

Obsessions

I'm always on the lookout for new products to try. Admittedly, I am a product whore. I love hair, makeup, skincare, and beauty products. Here are a few of my obsessions this week:

• Hair One - Generic version of the "Wen Haircare System" seen on infomercials with Melissa Gilbert. Basically it's an all in one conditioner/shampoo. Picked this up at my local Sally Beauty and I'm hooked! Followed the directions exactly and my hair was transformed in a week. And at only $10.99 a bottle, it's a steal!
• Johnson's Body Care Deep Hydrating Intense Moisture Body Wash - Use this with a Japanese washcloth for silky smooth skin. Also works great for shaving
• Inner Glowe Beauty Drink Mix - Slightly cheaper version of Glowelle or Borba beauty drinks. Pour one stick packet into a bottle of water and drink 1x daily. Sometimes I put it in a smoothie. Yummy pomegranete flavor too! $19.99 at Walgreens.
• L'Oreal Telescopic Mascara in Carbon Black - THE best mascara hands down! I've tried Dior, MAC, Lancome, etc. Nothing beats the length I get from this! Bought 2 tubes the other day so I have on in my makeup case and one in my bag.
• Bath and Body Works Wild Honeysuckle Scent - My favorite summer fragrance! It's light enough for day/work wear. I spritz with the body mist and layer on the body cream. Currently buy 3/get 2 free online!

That's all for now! More obsessions coming soon!

A Dilemma

I have recently come to realize how much I truly dislike my best friend's husband.

A bit about my best friend - we are like sisters. We met 12 years ago, and have been best friends ever since. We were together in our single days - sharing stories about dating, meeting our future husbands, purchasing our first homes.

I was in her wedding, and she was in mine. Now, fast forward to 2010. She has 3 beautiful children, an upgraded house with all the "bells and whistles", a brand new SUV, and a great career. She is a wonderful mother, wife, cook, and hostess. I often marvel at her ability to juggle her career and home life so effortlessly. She is beautiful, and always looks perfectly put together and styled. Something I can never do even without 3 kids and a husband...

Speaking of a husband...her husband is, by all outward appearances, a great guy. He comes across as the consummate "family man". He has a good job, works hard, and provides for his family. He is handsome, and funny, and makes a mean dirty martini...

However, lately I am finding myself disliking him more and more, for various reasons.

As I said, he is a hard worker, but his work takes precedence over his family. He often works late hours, and on weekends, while my friend is left to deal with their 3 children on her own. After they had their first child, she wanted to wait, but got pregnant shortly thereafter. She wanted to stop after child #2, but he wanted a boy (their first 2 were both girls). Child #3 was born 2 years later - a boy thankfully - and my friend got her tubes tied. All of their children are under the age of 7.

Her husband is often "too tired" after working all day to play with or really give any genuine attention to his children, choosing instead to relax in front of the television with a cold beer.

He sometimes makes snide comments in regards to my divorce, or my status as merely dating and not having children. On numerous occasions he has made negative remarks about my boyfriend's job (my bf was laid off from his job and had to take a temporary job until he gets a position in his field), the fact that we don't live together, and other aspects of my personal life (my house, my finances). Even once rudely commenting that I must be "jealous" of their home and family. Very hurtful to say the least...

Once, during a party, her husband had a few too many, and while passing me on the way to get another drink, made a suggestive comment about my outfit that evening and how "good" I looked.

He has gotten angry with me several times - once because I made a joke about moving in with them after I was divorced, again because I fed his dog from the table, and another time because I picked up his son when he was crying.

I am at their house quite often, several times a week at least. My friend and I joke that I am her "surrogate husband" as it often feels like I am more of a husband and partner to her than her real husband is. We joke in good fun, but I wonder if he feels somehow threatened by my presence.

Just this week, he returned home early from work (a true rarity) while I was still at their house playing in the yard with his children. Instead of saying hello, he merely stated "You're still here?" and walked inside.

I don't think he is abusive at all - verbally or physically. But rather neglectful, and maybe a bit controlling over his wife and children. If he was abusive, I would most certainly have spoken to her or her family immediatly. Abuse of any kind - verbal or physical - is simply untolerable to me, and I would have taken action regardless of the effect it would have on our friendship.

So...where does this leave me?

Well, I love my friend, and I would never - could never - discuss this with her in any open fashion that wouldn't hurt her feelings. Also, I wouldn't want to put her in an awkward position of having to feel uncomfortable if her husband and me are both there at the same time.

I guess I just wanted to vent, and put my feelings out there for the universe. Perhaps someday things will change, or she will notice and say something to him about his behavior, or I will just continue to ignore his rudeness.

But, there is a part of me that wants better for her, wants to tell her she deserves better, that he isn't good enough to have such a wonderful wife and children...but for now, I will remain silent.

That's Ms. Jones to You!

Reading a post by one of my favorite fellow bloggers about the notion of "keeping up with the Joneses" got me thinking...

I'm surrounded by Joneses. They're everywhere. They are my friends and relatives, my neighbors, my co-workers, my co-workers' friends and neighbors. The area where I live is an upper- to upper- middle class suburb of a large U.S. city. Lots of cul-de-sacs, McMansions, and shiny SUV's to be found here...

In this land of Joneses, I am somewhat out of place. Or, I should say, I am made to feel somewhat out of place on an almost daily basis. As a 34 year old divorced woman, living alone in a house with 2 dogs, I get asked/told almost daily, "Don't you want to have kids?" or "You'd make a great mom!" or "When do you think you'll get married and start a family?"

You see, the Joneses look at an unmarried woman of my age (a whopping 34) with pity - almost as if there is something "wrong" with me and I am to be felt sorry for. I have a boyfriend, who also has his own house. We have our own place and our own space, and for now, we like it that way.

The Joneses I know (both the Mr.'s and the Mrs.'s) are always on the prowl for the latest and greatest - whether it be SUV, flat-screen TV, Coach handbag, golf clubs.

The Joneses I know have beach houses, stainless steel appliances, front loading washers.

Their children play soccer and baseball and lacrosse and football. They have black labs or golden retrievers as their family pet of choice.

The Joneses have a swimming pool, a large fancy deck with a barbecue grill, and a shed.

Me on the other hand...I have a small home with modest hand-me-down furnishings, a fenced yard for my 2 crazy rescued terrier mutts- one of which is blind, the other of which looks like a ragamuffin - to run in, a compact car, appliances from the 1970's in shades of harvest gold and avocado green. On my slab patio I have a picnic table and several lawn chairs. My basement gets water often, and my attic needs insulation. A McMansion it is not, but it is mine.

I can sleep in on Saturdays, leave my dirty clothes on the floor, and eat ice cream for breakfast if I want. I stay up reading until 3 am, do my ironing naked, and watch a 24 hour marathon of The Twilight Zone without leaving my house.

A lot of people look at me and assume that I am "alone" or lonely. Nothing could be further from the truth. In addition to the wonderful circle of girlfriends that I have and treasure, I have my amazing boyfriend and family close by. I am very active with hobbies, including horseback riding, working out, and shopping (yes, shopping is a hobby!). I volunteer several times a month with a group that does pet therapy visitations to nursing homes and hospitals. I have a career that I love, that keeps me quite busy and stimulated. Rarely does a day go by that I do not do at least one of the following: have lunch, cocktails, or dinner with a girlfriend, go to visit a friend or my family, see my boyfriend, go out for a fun evening. My social calendar is usually over-booked, to the point, where I sometimes decline invitations simply because I have another engagement, or plain just don't feel like going to another "thing" .

The nice thing is...if I have a day where I just want to close the door and have some "me" time, I can do that too. I admit, I have some hermit-like tendencies at times, where I just want to hunker down with some good television, junk food, and my fur babies with my face slathered with mud mask and just shut everything off from the outside world.

So...as much as people may think that I should want or try to "keep up with the Joneses", I have to wonder, could the Joneses keep up with me? Somehow, I doubt it...