Honey, your husband is having an affair. What will it take for you to acknowledge this fact?
The first time something happened to pique your curiosity, his hot redheaded co-worker's husband threatened to beat him up at a bar for cheating with his wife. Not to mention this happened in front of a large group of other co-workers.
That should have been a red flag. You believed his story that the husband was a nutcase (which is possible) that the girl was a nutcase (which is also possible) and that she made the story up to make her husband jealous. As strange as that story was, you believed it. I actually admired your strength and willingness to believe your husband and loyalty to him.
The next incident involved finding not only her name and number on his phone, but calls to and from her. Your husband claimed that since he is out on the road all day, and she is the office manager, he needs to be in contact with her and it is sometimes easier to use cell phones than the office line. OK. I might be able to buy this in isolation.
Now, a third party - a guy - we'll call him John - that you have met and socialized with and who seems like a nice guy, has contacted redhead's husband, who is away at basic training, to tell him that your husband is having an affair wtih his wife. Now why would John do this? Why? No explanation makes sense except that he is telling the truth - your husband and the redheaded hottie are having an affair.
Your husband called you at work to tell you what had gone down. He was afraid that John would contact you. He claims that John made a pass at Redhead and she rejected him so now he is bitter and looking for revenge. He claims that John is crazy. He claims that Redhead might have told John this.
Sorry hun, but where there's smoke there's fire. This has gone on long enough - 4 years to be exact. You've looked the other way, made excuses, and bought what he has told you. I think one incident can be explained away, but 3?
Now, I'll admit, I'm not your husband's biggest fan. He can be rude, he doesn't treat you the way I think a husband should treat his wife, and he complains if you so much as run to the store and leave him alone with his children for an hour. You wait on him hand and foot, and yet he complains constantly.
I'm sorry, but I've held it in long enough. Look at the big picture, and see what is right in front of you. You CAN walk away from him. You deserve better! You have your wonderful family and friends who will support you and get you through this. But please, take the blinders off and see what everyone else has seen for a while now.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Mean Girls and Their P* Whipped Husbands...
So I was a little tardy to the Facebook party and just joined 2 months ago. Really, I held out for as long as I could and only joined begrudgingly...but...
One of the first people to contact me on FB was a guy that I dated briefly in HS. Now by "briefly" I mean, like June and July of the summer of our Junior year. He was the same year as me, but we ran in totally different circles - he was in the "popular" crowd and I was in the "geeky" crowd (or the "nerd herd" as we were so affectionately dubbed by our less than intelligent peers...
Anyway, he was one of the most "popular" guys in our grade - good at sports, in student government, fairly wealthy, great car, great clothes, and, to top it all off, gorgeous. What he saw in me, I will never know...but, we started talking at a party. I did have some friends in the "popular" crowd and would occasionally go to one of their parties. Usually I ended up standing awkwardly on the outskirts, as I didn't drink, smoke, hook-up, or do any of the other things that usually went on at high school parties. This guy, I'll call him TJ, started talking to me at a party, and as it turns out, he was actually very articulate, intelligent, and funny, unlike a lot of his Neanderthal-ish buddies.
We ended up outside on the front porch talking for a while, and found we had a lot in common. For some reason, we just "clicked" and had a really enjoyable chat. Unfortunately, his ex-girlfriend (now his wife...ugh!) was super clingy and possessive, and kept finding excuses to come out front. I was pretty unaware at the time of the dynamic that was going on, but I know now that she was totally threatened by our innocent little chit chat and was keeping an eye on him. She was a typical "mean girl" totally bitchy to anyone not in her clique, openly mocking people who weren't in the "popular" crowd, and nasty to girls who didn't wear the right clothes/shoes/etc. She had said some pretty horrible things about a close friend of mine, and made fun of my clothes on a regular basis - granted, I was in my "shopping at the Salvation Army for vintage clothing" is cool phase but still... She and another girl also prank called me our Freshman year to make fun of my acne - I had HORRIBLE acne in my Freshman year, so bad, I was put on Accutane, which was pretty radical at the time. They called me pizza face, crater face, etc. and would laugh and hang up. I knew it was them.
We ended up talking on the phone, and started "seeing" each other secretly. I would sneak out at night and he would pick me up, or I would say I was staying at a friend's and he would stay over at one of his friend's who just happened to live in my neighborhood and I would sneak into his basement and hang. This lasted for about 2 months, and then suddenly, he stopped calling me, stopped answering my calls, just...stopped.
School started in September and I still didn't know what had happened. Turns out, he had gotten back together with his psycho ex and neglected to tell her that he and I had been seeing each other. However, I think she either suspected or knew, because she escalated her mean girl behavior towards me. Getting some of the "popular" guys to throw things at me at lunch or try to trip me in the halls, or say things under her breath when I walked by. Pretty nasty piece of work she was...
Fast forward 18 years - yes, 18 FRIGGIN' YEARS!!! - and she's still an insecure psycho bitch from hell.
So, he messages me on Facebook saying hi, it's great to see me on FB, what have I been up to, and that whenever he heard a certain alternative band he thought of me (this was my favorite band when we were dating). I responded in a pretty generic fashion - "Hey, great to see you too! Yeah, I still listen to (band name), hope all is well with you!" and that was it. He responded that he and his wife have 3 kids that keep them busy, he owns his own business, etc. I respond, "That's great! You have a beautiful family! I work at (name of my work), and love it! Glad to hear that you are doing well!" Again, VERY generic, very benign, very safe! He responds again, asking if I kept in touch with anyone from our graduating class, mentions names of a few people he talks to, etc. I actually didn't respond to this message because by this time, I was deep into the Facebook Frenzy and could barely keep up with the friend requests, messages, wall posts, news feeds, invitations, etc...
So, a few days later I get this message, from his WIFE, basically telling me to stay away from her husband, asking who do I think I am, etc. etc. I responded, "Dear (bitch's name) I'm sorry you are so upset. Perhaps the person you need to speak to is your husband, as he is the one who initially messaged me." So then...I went back to read the messages between he and I, just in case I missed something. Nope.
Then I went back to look at where he had originally posted "Hey how are you?" on my wall - post was GONE!
Haven't heard a peep from him since. Kinda feel bad because I'm sure she gave him a ration of shit after reading my response. Poor guy trapped with a bitch of a wife and 3 kids under the age of 8...sheesh...
Then again, if he had any balls to begin with, he wouldn't have gotten back together with her or put up with her nasty behavior. I guess some things never change, even after 18 years...
One of the first people to contact me on FB was a guy that I dated briefly in HS. Now by "briefly" I mean, like June and July of the summer of our Junior year. He was the same year as me, but we ran in totally different circles - he was in the "popular" crowd and I was in the "geeky" crowd (or the "nerd herd" as we were so affectionately dubbed by our less than intelligent peers...
Anyway, he was one of the most "popular" guys in our grade - good at sports, in student government, fairly wealthy, great car, great clothes, and, to top it all off, gorgeous. What he saw in me, I will never know...but, we started talking at a party. I did have some friends in the "popular" crowd and would occasionally go to one of their parties. Usually I ended up standing awkwardly on the outskirts, as I didn't drink, smoke, hook-up, or do any of the other things that usually went on at high school parties. This guy, I'll call him TJ, started talking to me at a party, and as it turns out, he was actually very articulate, intelligent, and funny, unlike a lot of his Neanderthal-ish buddies.
We ended up outside on the front porch talking for a while, and found we had a lot in common. For some reason, we just "clicked" and had a really enjoyable chat. Unfortunately, his ex-girlfriend (now his wife...ugh!) was super clingy and possessive, and kept finding excuses to come out front. I was pretty unaware at the time of the dynamic that was going on, but I know now that she was totally threatened by our innocent little chit chat and was keeping an eye on him. She was a typical "mean girl" totally bitchy to anyone not in her clique, openly mocking people who weren't in the "popular" crowd, and nasty to girls who didn't wear the right clothes/shoes/etc. She had said some pretty horrible things about a close friend of mine, and made fun of my clothes on a regular basis - granted, I was in my "shopping at the Salvation Army for vintage clothing" is cool phase but still... She and another girl also prank called me our Freshman year to make fun of my acne - I had HORRIBLE acne in my Freshman year, so bad, I was put on Accutane, which was pretty radical at the time. They called me pizza face, crater face, etc. and would laugh and hang up. I knew it was them.
We ended up talking on the phone, and started "seeing" each other secretly. I would sneak out at night and he would pick me up, or I would say I was staying at a friend's and he would stay over at one of his friend's who just happened to live in my neighborhood and I would sneak into his basement and hang. This lasted for about 2 months, and then suddenly, he stopped calling me, stopped answering my calls, just...stopped.
School started in September and I still didn't know what had happened. Turns out, he had gotten back together with his psycho ex and neglected to tell her that he and I had been seeing each other. However, I think she either suspected or knew, because she escalated her mean girl behavior towards me. Getting some of the "popular" guys to throw things at me at lunch or try to trip me in the halls, or say things under her breath when I walked by. Pretty nasty piece of work she was...
Fast forward 18 years - yes, 18 FRIGGIN' YEARS!!! - and she's still an insecure psycho bitch from hell.
So, he messages me on Facebook saying hi, it's great to see me on FB, what have I been up to, and that whenever he heard a certain alternative band he thought of me (this was my favorite band when we were dating). I responded in a pretty generic fashion - "Hey, great to see you too! Yeah, I still listen to (band name), hope all is well with you!" and that was it. He responded that he and his wife have 3 kids that keep them busy, he owns his own business, etc. I respond, "That's great! You have a beautiful family! I work at (name of my work), and love it! Glad to hear that you are doing well!" Again, VERY generic, very benign, very safe! He responds again, asking if I kept in touch with anyone from our graduating class, mentions names of a few people he talks to, etc. I actually didn't respond to this message because by this time, I was deep into the Facebook Frenzy and could barely keep up with the friend requests, messages, wall posts, news feeds, invitations, etc...
So, a few days later I get this message, from his WIFE, basically telling me to stay away from her husband, asking who do I think I am, etc. etc. I responded, "Dear (bitch's name) I'm sorry you are so upset. Perhaps the person you need to speak to is your husband, as he is the one who initially messaged me." So then...I went back to read the messages between he and I, just in case I missed something. Nope.
Then I went back to look at where he had originally posted "Hey how are you?" on my wall - post was GONE!
Haven't heard a peep from him since. Kinda feel bad because I'm sure she gave him a ration of shit after reading my response. Poor guy trapped with a bitch of a wife and 3 kids under the age of 8...sheesh...
Then again, if he had any balls to begin with, he wouldn't have gotten back together with her or put up with her nasty behavior. I guess some things never change, even after 18 years...
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The Adventures of Stalker Boy
My first attempt at testing out the "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new" theory was an epic failure. And by that, I mean a complete disaster. Like, a hot mess...
Out at local watering hole with my 24 year old brother (I'm 35) and his friends one night in December. His graduating class was having an impromptu "reunion" where anyone who wanted to just showed up at the bar that night. Started talking to a guy who was acquaintences with my brother, who was 25. He is a musician, and I remember my brother talking about how talented he was when they were in high school. Anyway, younger guy and I are chatting it up, and flirting. It was getting late, and I was tired so I said bye to my bro and friends. Younger guy asked if I was on Facebook. I told him yes, I had just joined, and to find me on there. Didn't exchange numbers or anything like that...
The next day, I received and accepted a friend request from younger guy on FB. Didn't really have time to check out his page, because I was heading into the city for some shopping with friends.
The following week, younger guy sent me a message on FB, saying that it was great seeing me at the bar, that I was "just as hot as he remembered me" and that he had always had a crush on me. I was a little surprised, only because he and my brother weren't particularly close friends, and because we were far apart in age and I didn't really remember crossing paths with him that much. I basically said this to him, and he responded that we had crossed paths a few times in the last several years, we have some work-related acquaintences in common and had seen each other at various places in town. Honestly, I had forgotten seeing him, but did recall the places/times he mentioned.
Over the next week, we went back and forth a few times on FB, and finally the day before Christmas Eve he suggested getting together for a drink sometime and gave me his number. I messaged back, saying that would be great, and gave him my number. So...over the next week or so, we exchanged flirty texts, which at times got pretty racy. I was kind of excited at being pursued by a younger man, and we agreed to go out for a drink the following weekend.
Then, things started getting a little weird. He started calling me. A lot. He would call, and if I didn't answer (I never answer my cell phone, weird quirk I have...) he would call back like 10 times in the course of 5 minutes. Then he would text asking why I wasn't answering. It started to irritate me, so I eased up on the sexting and stopped taking his calls. Then....he started sending me cock pictures. And not just 1 or 2, but lots. Him holding himself, standing in front of the mirror, laying down, basically any pose that showcased his fully erect member. Now, I will say, it was quite a cock. Great size and shape. But...I wasn't into getting bombarded by pics of it.
He requested pics of me, I didn't respond. The last straw was when he texted asking if I was home, because he was driving by my house and wanted to stop by. I didn't remember ever telling him where I lived, so I responded, "How do you know where I live???" He responded that I had told him at some point in conversation which street I lived on and which business I lived across the street from. I didn't remember ever telling him this information. As it turns out, younger guy lives less than 1/2 mile from my house. Hmmmm.....
I started to feel like I was being stalked - texts, calls, dick pictures around the clock. I started responding less, making my texts more and more short hoping he would get the hint. Finally, I stopped responding altogether. He wouldn't take the hint. Kept calling and texting, leaving messages begging me to call him back, asking if I was "mad" at him. Then started calling me a tease, said I was playing games, etc.
I finally told him that I wasn't interested in getting involved with anyone right now and I really didn't want him calling/texting me anymore. He begrudgingly said "Fine. Your loss."
The icing on the cake of this story is that I found out after the fact that he has a girlfriend. My brother clued me in when I asked him if he knew much about this guy, and then when I looked closer at his FB pics (I really hate FB and joined simply because I was tired of explaining why I wasn't on there) I saw pics with the girlfriend!!!
So, my first foray into post-breakup shenanigans and cougar-dom backfired. Not sure what to take away from this except to do a more thorough background check next time, and to discourage the sending of dick pics.
Out at local watering hole with my 24 year old brother (I'm 35) and his friends one night in December. His graduating class was having an impromptu "reunion" where anyone who wanted to just showed up at the bar that night. Started talking to a guy who was acquaintences with my brother, who was 25. He is a musician, and I remember my brother talking about how talented he was when they were in high school. Anyway, younger guy and I are chatting it up, and flirting. It was getting late, and I was tired so I said bye to my bro and friends. Younger guy asked if I was on Facebook. I told him yes, I had just joined, and to find me on there. Didn't exchange numbers or anything like that...
The next day, I received and accepted a friend request from younger guy on FB. Didn't really have time to check out his page, because I was heading into the city for some shopping with friends.
The following week, younger guy sent me a message on FB, saying that it was great seeing me at the bar, that I was "just as hot as he remembered me" and that he had always had a crush on me. I was a little surprised, only because he and my brother weren't particularly close friends, and because we were far apart in age and I didn't really remember crossing paths with him that much. I basically said this to him, and he responded that we had crossed paths a few times in the last several years, we have some work-related acquaintences in common and had seen each other at various places in town. Honestly, I had forgotten seeing him, but did recall the places/times he mentioned.
Over the next week, we went back and forth a few times on FB, and finally the day before Christmas Eve he suggested getting together for a drink sometime and gave me his number. I messaged back, saying that would be great, and gave him my number. So...over the next week or so, we exchanged flirty texts, which at times got pretty racy. I was kind of excited at being pursued by a younger man, and we agreed to go out for a drink the following weekend.
Then, things started getting a little weird. He started calling me. A lot. He would call, and if I didn't answer (I never answer my cell phone, weird quirk I have...) he would call back like 10 times in the course of 5 minutes. Then he would text asking why I wasn't answering. It started to irritate me, so I eased up on the sexting and stopped taking his calls. Then....he started sending me cock pictures. And not just 1 or 2, but lots. Him holding himself, standing in front of the mirror, laying down, basically any pose that showcased his fully erect member. Now, I will say, it was quite a cock. Great size and shape. But...I wasn't into getting bombarded by pics of it.
He requested pics of me, I didn't respond. The last straw was when he texted asking if I was home, because he was driving by my house and wanted to stop by. I didn't remember ever telling him where I lived, so I responded, "How do you know where I live???" He responded that I had told him at some point in conversation which street I lived on and which business I lived across the street from. I didn't remember ever telling him this information. As it turns out, younger guy lives less than 1/2 mile from my house. Hmmmm.....
I started to feel like I was being stalked - texts, calls, dick pictures around the clock. I started responding less, making my texts more and more short hoping he would get the hint. Finally, I stopped responding altogether. He wouldn't take the hint. Kept calling and texting, leaving messages begging me to call him back, asking if I was "mad" at him. Then started calling me a tease, said I was playing games, etc.
I finally told him that I wasn't interested in getting involved with anyone right now and I really didn't want him calling/texting me anymore. He begrudgingly said "Fine. Your loss."
The icing on the cake of this story is that I found out after the fact that he has a girlfriend. My brother clued me in when I asked him if he knew much about this guy, and then when I looked closer at his FB pics (I really hate FB and joined simply because I was tired of explaining why I wasn't on there) I saw pics with the girlfriend!!!
So, my first foray into post-breakup shenanigans and cougar-dom backfired. Not sure what to take away from this except to do a more thorough background check next time, and to discourage the sending of dick pics.
Popping the Post-Breakup Cherry
So...my ex and I broke up in September. Actually, he broke up with me, very unexpectedly, and I was a mess for months...not something I want to relive or recap, so I'll just leave it at that.
After a few unsuccessful attempts in the last two months and "getting back on the horse" so to speak (will follow-up with a more detailed story about one of those, my 25 year old stalker) I finally ended up in bed with an acquaintence from high school.
Was out at a local bar with some friends, just hanging out and drinking some beers. Saw a group of guys that were a year ahead of me in school at the table next to us. Knew them, as in knew who they were, knew their names, and had some mutual friends, but not anyone I hung out with regularly or was close friends with. Anyway, my girlfriend and I started talking with one of the guys, and somehow migrated our drinks to their table. So, we chatted it up with them for a while, the one guy (I'll call him B) and I started a side conversation. I always thought he was cute back in high school, but we were in totally different circles - he played every sport and hung out with the party crowd, I was sort of nerdy and hung out with the drama club crowd...but I digress...
Ended up talking for a while, other friends left, and before I knew it, it was 1 am. I told B I was heading out and that we should hang out sometime. We exchanged numbers, and I started to get my things to leave. He said he was leaving too and that he'd walk out with me.
In hindsight, this was probably not the smartest thing I have ever done. I barely knew this guy and was letting him walk me out of a bar to a dark parking lot at 1 in the morning.
So we get out of the bar and I start walking towards my car, he says he really enjoyed talking, and would love to take me out sometime. I say I would like that, and the next thing I know, we're making out. He asks if I want to go back to his place, his roommate is probably still out.
I don't know if it was the booze or the thrill of it all, but I said yes, and followed him back to his condo, which was less than a mile away. We ended up making out on the couch for a while, then headed into his bedroom. Clothes came off, hands everywhere, and then.....the big (or not so big) disappointment.
Guy has a small dick. Not teeny tiny like in a freakish way, but smaller than I was used to. I guess I was spoiled with my ex who had a big (at least compared to others I have seen, which aren't many) beautiful cock. This guy's was much smaller by comparison - I am not good with size, as in how long it was, but much smaller. And uncircumsized. This threw me. I had never seen, let alone been in close sexual contact with an uncircumsized penis before. So...I had a dilemma. I was somewhat turned off by the size of his member, but he was very attentive in other ways, and I still thought he was hot, so I adopted a "what the heck" attitude and made the best out of the situation.
All-in-all, it was fun. He was really sweet, and like I said, VERY attentive in other ways. I did feel bad when at one point, I indicated I wanted him inside me and he said "It's all the way in". Yikes.
So now I understand why Samantha Jones broke up with a guy because he had a small one. Like, TOTALLY understand. While I was able to overlook it once, I don't think I could do it on a regular basis. Not that it was unpleasant, just unsatisfying.
B did call and text me and I sort of blew him off. Feel kinda bad about that, cause he's a nice guy and everything, just couldn't get past his "shortcoming".
The good news in all of this is that I have finally had sex with someone post-breakup.
They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. Maybe it wasn't the best sex I've ever had, but for now, it will do. And it showed me that there is life after my ex.
Just have to come up with a way to screen for size from now on...
After a few unsuccessful attempts in the last two months and "getting back on the horse" so to speak (will follow-up with a more detailed story about one of those, my 25 year old stalker) I finally ended up in bed with an acquaintence from high school.
Was out at a local bar with some friends, just hanging out and drinking some beers. Saw a group of guys that were a year ahead of me in school at the table next to us. Knew them, as in knew who they were, knew their names, and had some mutual friends, but not anyone I hung out with regularly or was close friends with. Anyway, my girlfriend and I started talking with one of the guys, and somehow migrated our drinks to their table. So, we chatted it up with them for a while, the one guy (I'll call him B) and I started a side conversation. I always thought he was cute back in high school, but we were in totally different circles - he played every sport and hung out with the party crowd, I was sort of nerdy and hung out with the drama club crowd...but I digress...
Ended up talking for a while, other friends left, and before I knew it, it was 1 am. I told B I was heading out and that we should hang out sometime. We exchanged numbers, and I started to get my things to leave. He said he was leaving too and that he'd walk out with me.
In hindsight, this was probably not the smartest thing I have ever done. I barely knew this guy and was letting him walk me out of a bar to a dark parking lot at 1 in the morning.
So we get out of the bar and I start walking towards my car, he says he really enjoyed talking, and would love to take me out sometime. I say I would like that, and the next thing I know, we're making out. He asks if I want to go back to his place, his roommate is probably still out.
I don't know if it was the booze or the thrill of it all, but I said yes, and followed him back to his condo, which was less than a mile away. We ended up making out on the couch for a while, then headed into his bedroom. Clothes came off, hands everywhere, and then.....the big (or not so big) disappointment.
Guy has a small dick. Not teeny tiny like in a freakish way, but smaller than I was used to. I guess I was spoiled with my ex who had a big (at least compared to others I have seen, which aren't many) beautiful cock. This guy's was much smaller by comparison - I am not good with size, as in how long it was, but much smaller. And uncircumsized. This threw me. I had never seen, let alone been in close sexual contact with an uncircumsized penis before. So...I had a dilemma. I was somewhat turned off by the size of his member, but he was very attentive in other ways, and I still thought he was hot, so I adopted a "what the heck" attitude and made the best out of the situation.
All-in-all, it was fun. He was really sweet, and like I said, VERY attentive in other ways. I did feel bad when at one point, I indicated I wanted him inside me and he said "It's all the way in". Yikes.
So now I understand why Samantha Jones broke up with a guy because he had a small one. Like, TOTALLY understand. While I was able to overlook it once, I don't think I could do it on a regular basis. Not that it was unpleasant, just unsatisfying.
B did call and text me and I sort of blew him off. Feel kinda bad about that, cause he's a nice guy and everything, just couldn't get past his "shortcoming".
The good news in all of this is that I have finally had sex with someone post-breakup.
They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. Maybe it wasn't the best sex I've ever had, but for now, it will do. And it showed me that there is life after my ex.
Just have to come up with a way to screen for size from now on...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
SWF
SWF stands for Single White Female...as in the creepy movie with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh. In the movie, Leigh plays a woman who stalks Fonda's character, even going so far as to have her hair cut and dyed in the exact same style.
My SWF hasn't cut and dyed her hair yet, but I wouldn't at all be shocked if she did.
My SWF story starts 3 years ago. SWF was a new hire at my workplace. She didn't really know anyone, and seemed lonely, so I befriended her and helped her transition into her new job. We became good friends, both in and outside of work, occasionally going for dinner or drinks after work, or shopping. After one particularly rough week at work, we even had an old school "slumber party" complete with junk food, scary movies, mud masks, and talking until the wee hours of the morning. I felt that I had made a true friend, and began to confide in her about my divorce, my current relationship, and other details about my personal life. Typically, I do not open up to people very easily, it takes a long time to earn my trust, and I am very wary of people I do not know very well. Unfortunately, this is a perfect example of why I am so closed with people, as I found out in the case of SWF.
I had heard through another co-worker that SWF mentioned something about my divorce. I asked SWF if she had told this co-worker this information. She, of course, denied it. At the time, I believed that she was unfairly blamed, being the "new girl" and thought the co-worker was trying to cause trouble.
Fast forward a few months. SWF worked a 2nd job - a part time job with a catering company on weekends for some extra money. She mentioned that this job might be hiring and would I be interested - it paid cash under the table. Being in need of extra money, I said that I would be interested, and I got the job. SWF made sure that I was scheduled only when she was - to help me learn what to do, etc. After a few weekends of working together, she began to make strange statements, like "I'm really glad I can do this for you," or "I'm so glad I could help you out with 'your situation'", or "I bet this is a really big help with all of your bills". Hmmm. I am certainly uncomfortable discussing my finances, and felt a little annoyed by her implication. Then, I began to feel that she was saying these things over and over as if to say "I did something for you, now you owe me."
When she would ask to do something, and I already had plans, she would act annoyed. Then tell me after the weekend that she had done a big catering job and that I had missed out. My spending time with her seemed to be what she wanted in exchange for her getting me the job. She was using the catering jobs to hold over my head. But I don't operate that way...
Then, she began to ask somewhat inappropriate questions about my relationship - how often did I see my boyfriend, did we have sex every time I saw him, why weren't we married/engaged/living together. She seemed obsessed with my relationship to the point where she would make remarks indicating that she was doubtful that we would stay together, things like "Oh, that's a shame that you only see him 3 times a week", or "Wow, if I were you I would want to be engaged by now," or "Are you sure he isn't just using you for sex?".
She then moved on to my friendships. She knew my best friend also through work. She began calling my best friend, inviting her to lunch and excluding me, and inviting herself to my best friend's house if she knew I would be there. I knew what was going on, and voiced my concerns to my friend, who agreed.
SWF was a drain. Constantly complaining about one melodrama or another, always an issue, problem or illness that required my immediate undivided attention. SWF, I quickly realized was a negative and totally toxic person.
At one point, she asked if I wanted a roommate, and offered to move in with me to "help me pay my mortgage". Luckily, at that point, I had a bad gut feeling and politely declined. I found it strange that she was living with her boyfriend but would leave him to move in with me to "help with the mortgage" ??? Lots of red flags...
The final straw occurred when I received a call from SWF one evening. I was home, and did not feel like talking, so I let it go to voice mail. She did not leave a message. She called back shortly thereafter and left a rather angry voice mail saying "I know you're home, I just drove by your house and the lights are on." and hung up. Then a text message saying "Thanks for nothing." and finally, another voice mail, this one sappy and apologetic saying "I'm sorry, I was just upset, I miss you and I want to see you. Please call me it doesn't matter what time."
Needless to say, I didn't call. The next day, I texted that I had been feeling ill and went to sleep early. I began avoiding her at work, making up excuses as to why I couldn't go do things with her. It took a long time for her to "get the hint". She even tried confronting me at one point, and I just responded that we had grown apart, that I was very busy, and had a lot going on. BS, I know, but I didn't want to add fuel to what I already perceived as a full-blown fire.
The strangest part of all of this, is that during the course of this entire thing, SWF got engaged, bought a house with her fiance', got married (I did attend the wedding), got pregnant and had a baby. All wonderful occasions and milestones that should have brought her joy and fulfillment in her life. Instead, she was obsessing over me and every aspect of my life - my boyfriend, my finances, my job, my dogs. She asked other people questions to "check up" on me. She continued to try to maintain a friendship with my best friend.
This was all just too much. I am about a year removed from this situation. I still work with SWF, but make sure I have minimal contact. She sometimes calls or texts, I usually do not answer.
Sometimes I feel badly, thinking she really doesn't have any friends, and what that must feel like. But I then remind myself that the friends I want in my life are positive, supportive people who are there because they truly like me, not for some weird symbiotic quid-pro-quo dependent relationship.
Why am I writing about this now? Well, I saw SWF at work today, she was eavesdropping on a conversation I was having with someone else, and it reminded me why I decided to cut ties with this person. I truly hope that she finds the love and happiness in her life that she seems to crave. Perhaps with time, and a growing family, she will. In the meantime, I have moved on, learned my lesson, and feel validated in my decision. Friendships are sometimes a rocky road, but I feel that at least with this experience, I have grown as a person, and am all the wiser for it.
My SWF hasn't cut and dyed her hair yet, but I wouldn't at all be shocked if she did.
My SWF story starts 3 years ago. SWF was a new hire at my workplace. She didn't really know anyone, and seemed lonely, so I befriended her and helped her transition into her new job. We became good friends, both in and outside of work, occasionally going for dinner or drinks after work, or shopping. After one particularly rough week at work, we even had an old school "slumber party" complete with junk food, scary movies, mud masks, and talking until the wee hours of the morning. I felt that I had made a true friend, and began to confide in her about my divorce, my current relationship, and other details about my personal life. Typically, I do not open up to people very easily, it takes a long time to earn my trust, and I am very wary of people I do not know very well. Unfortunately, this is a perfect example of why I am so closed with people, as I found out in the case of SWF.
I had heard through another co-worker that SWF mentioned something about my divorce. I asked SWF if she had told this co-worker this information. She, of course, denied it. At the time, I believed that she was unfairly blamed, being the "new girl" and thought the co-worker was trying to cause trouble.
Fast forward a few months. SWF worked a 2nd job - a part time job with a catering company on weekends for some extra money. She mentioned that this job might be hiring and would I be interested - it paid cash under the table. Being in need of extra money, I said that I would be interested, and I got the job. SWF made sure that I was scheduled only when she was - to help me learn what to do, etc. After a few weekends of working together, she began to make strange statements, like "I'm really glad I can do this for you," or "I'm so glad I could help you out with 'your situation'", or "I bet this is a really big help with all of your bills". Hmmm. I am certainly uncomfortable discussing my finances, and felt a little annoyed by her implication. Then, I began to feel that she was saying these things over and over as if to say "I did something for you, now you owe me."
When she would ask to do something, and I already had plans, she would act annoyed. Then tell me after the weekend that she had done a big catering job and that I had missed out. My spending time with her seemed to be what she wanted in exchange for her getting me the job. She was using the catering jobs to hold over my head. But I don't operate that way...
Then, she began to ask somewhat inappropriate questions about my relationship - how often did I see my boyfriend, did we have sex every time I saw him, why weren't we married/engaged/living together. She seemed obsessed with my relationship to the point where she would make remarks indicating that she was doubtful that we would stay together, things like "Oh, that's a shame that you only see him 3 times a week", or "Wow, if I were you I would want to be engaged by now," or "Are you sure he isn't just using you for sex?".
She then moved on to my friendships. She knew my best friend also through work. She began calling my best friend, inviting her to lunch and excluding me, and inviting herself to my best friend's house if she knew I would be there. I knew what was going on, and voiced my concerns to my friend, who agreed.
SWF was a drain. Constantly complaining about one melodrama or another, always an issue, problem or illness that required my immediate undivided attention. SWF, I quickly realized was a negative and totally toxic person.
At one point, she asked if I wanted a roommate, and offered to move in with me to "help me pay my mortgage". Luckily, at that point, I had a bad gut feeling and politely declined. I found it strange that she was living with her boyfriend but would leave him to move in with me to "help with the mortgage" ??? Lots of red flags...
The final straw occurred when I received a call from SWF one evening. I was home, and did not feel like talking, so I let it go to voice mail. She did not leave a message. She called back shortly thereafter and left a rather angry voice mail saying "I know you're home, I just drove by your house and the lights are on." and hung up. Then a text message saying "Thanks for nothing." and finally, another voice mail, this one sappy and apologetic saying "I'm sorry, I was just upset, I miss you and I want to see you. Please call me it doesn't matter what time."
Needless to say, I didn't call. The next day, I texted that I had been feeling ill and went to sleep early. I began avoiding her at work, making up excuses as to why I couldn't go do things with her. It took a long time for her to "get the hint". She even tried confronting me at one point, and I just responded that we had grown apart, that I was very busy, and had a lot going on. BS, I know, but I didn't want to add fuel to what I already perceived as a full-blown fire.
The strangest part of all of this, is that during the course of this entire thing, SWF got engaged, bought a house with her fiance', got married (I did attend the wedding), got pregnant and had a baby. All wonderful occasions and milestones that should have brought her joy and fulfillment in her life. Instead, she was obsessing over me and every aspect of my life - my boyfriend, my finances, my job, my dogs. She asked other people questions to "check up" on me. She continued to try to maintain a friendship with my best friend.
This was all just too much. I am about a year removed from this situation. I still work with SWF, but make sure I have minimal contact. She sometimes calls or texts, I usually do not answer.
Sometimes I feel badly, thinking she really doesn't have any friends, and what that must feel like. But I then remind myself that the friends I want in my life are positive, supportive people who are there because they truly like me, not for some weird symbiotic quid-pro-quo dependent relationship.
Why am I writing about this now? Well, I saw SWF at work today, she was eavesdropping on a conversation I was having with someone else, and it reminded me why I decided to cut ties with this person. I truly hope that she finds the love and happiness in her life that she seems to crave. Perhaps with time, and a growing family, she will. In the meantime, I have moved on, learned my lesson, and feel validated in my decision. Friendships are sometimes a rocky road, but I feel that at least with this experience, I have grown as a person, and am all the wiser for it.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Obsessions
I'm always on the lookout for new products to try. Admittedly, I am a product whore. I love hair, makeup, skincare, and beauty products. Here are a few of my obsessions this week:
- Hair One - Generic version of the "Wen Haircare System" seen on infomercials with Melissa Gilbert. Basically it's an all in one conditioner/shampoo. Picked this up at my local Sally Beauty and I'm hooked! Followed the directions exactly and my hair was transformed in a week. And at only $10.99 a bottle, it's a steal!
- Johnson's Body Care Deep Hydrating Intense Moisture Body Wash - Use this with a Japanese washcloth for silky smooth skin. Also works great for shaving
- Inner Glowe Beauty Drink Mix - Slightly cheaper version of Glowelle or Borba beauty drinks. Pour one stick packet into a bottle of water and drink 1x daily. Sometimes I put it in a smoothie. Yummy pomegranete flavor too! $19.99 at Walgreens.
- L'Oreal Telescopic Mascara in Carbon Black - THE best mascara hands down! I've tried Dior, MAC, Lancome, etc. Nothing beats the length I get from this! Bought 2 tubes the other day so I have on in my makeup case and one in my bag.
- Bath and Body Works Wild Honeysuckle Scent - My favorite summer fragrance! It's light enough for day/work wear. I spritz with the body mist and layer on the body cream. Currently buy 3/get 2 free online!
That's all for now! More obsessions coming soon!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A Dilemma
I have recently come to realize how much I truly dislike my best friend's husband.
A bit about my best friend - we are like sisters. We met 12 years ago, and have been best friends ever since. We were together in our single days - sharing stories about dating, meeting our future husbands, purchasing our first homes.
I was in her wedding, and she was in mine. Now, fast forward to 2010. She has 3 beautiful children, an upgraded house with all the "bells and whistles", a brand new SUV, and a great career. She is a wonderful mother, wife, cook, and hostess. I often marvel at her ability to juggle her career and home life so effortlessly. She is beautiful, and always looks perfectly put together and styled. Something I can never do even without 3 kids and a husband...
Speaking of a husband...her husband is, by all outward appearances, a great guy. He comes across as the consummate "family man". He has a good job, works hard, and provides for his family. He is handsome, and funny, and makes a mean dirty martini...
However, lately I am finding myself disliking him more and more, for various reasons.
As I said, he is a hard worker, but his work takes precedence over his family. He often works late hours, and on weekends, while my friend is left to deal with their 3 children on her own. After they had their first child, she wanted to wait, but got pregnant shortly thereafter. She wanted to stop after child #2, but he wanted a boy (their first 2 were both girls). Child #3 was born 2 years later - a boy thankfully - and my friend got her tubes tied. All of their children are under the age of 7.
Her husband is often "too tired" after working all day to play with or really give any genuine attention to his children, choosing instead to relax in front of the television with a cold beer.
He sometimes makes snide comments in regards to my divorce, or my status as merely dating and not having children. On numerous occasions he has made negative remarks about my boyfriend's job (my bf was laid off from his job and had to take a temporary job until he gets a position in his field), the fact that we don't live together, and other aspects of my personal life (my house, my finances). Even once rudely commenting that I must be "jealous" of their home and family. Very hurtful to say the least...
Once, during a party, her husband had a few too many, and while passing me on the way to get another drink, made a suggestive comment about my outfit that evening and how "good" I looked.
He has gotten angry with me several times - once because I made a joke about moving in with them after I was divorced, again because I fed his dog from the table, and another time because I picked up his son when he was crying.
I am at their house quite often, several times a week at least. My friend and I joke that I am her "surrogate husband" as it often feels like I am more of a husband and partner to her than her real husband is. We joke in good fun, but I wonder if he feels somehow threatened by my presence.
Just this week, he returned home early from work (a true rarity) while I was still at their house playing in the yard with his children. Instead of saying hello, he merely stated "You're still here?" and walked inside.
I don't think he is abusive at all - verbally or physically. But rather neglectful, and maybe a bit controlling over his wife and children. If he was abusive, I would most certainly have spoken to her or her family immediatly. Abuse of any kind - verbal or physical - is simply untolerable to me, and I would have taken action regardless of the effect it would have on our friendship.
So...where does this leave me?
Well, I love my friend, and I would never - could never - discuss this with her in any open fashion that wouldn't hurt her feelings. Also, I wouldn't want to put her in an awkward position of having to feel uncomfortable if her husband and me are both there at the same time.
I guess I just wanted to vent, and put my feelings out there for the universe. Perhaps someday things will change, or she will notice and say something to him about his behavior, or I will just continue to ignore his rudeness.
But, there is a part of me that wants better for her, wants to tell her she deserves better, that he isn't good enough to have such a wonderful wife and children...but for now, I will remain silent.
A bit about my best friend - we are like sisters. We met 12 years ago, and have been best friends ever since. We were together in our single days - sharing stories about dating, meeting our future husbands, purchasing our first homes.
I was in her wedding, and she was in mine. Now, fast forward to 2010. She has 3 beautiful children, an upgraded house with all the "bells and whistles", a brand new SUV, and a great career. She is a wonderful mother, wife, cook, and hostess. I often marvel at her ability to juggle her career and home life so effortlessly. She is beautiful, and always looks perfectly put together and styled. Something I can never do even without 3 kids and a husband...
Speaking of a husband...her husband is, by all outward appearances, a great guy. He comes across as the consummate "family man". He has a good job, works hard, and provides for his family. He is handsome, and funny, and makes a mean dirty martini...
However, lately I am finding myself disliking him more and more, for various reasons.
As I said, he is a hard worker, but his work takes precedence over his family. He often works late hours, and on weekends, while my friend is left to deal with their 3 children on her own. After they had their first child, she wanted to wait, but got pregnant shortly thereafter. She wanted to stop after child #2, but he wanted a boy (their first 2 were both girls). Child #3 was born 2 years later - a boy thankfully - and my friend got her tubes tied. All of their children are under the age of 7.
Her husband is often "too tired" after working all day to play with or really give any genuine attention to his children, choosing instead to relax in front of the television with a cold beer.
He sometimes makes snide comments in regards to my divorce, or my status as merely dating and not having children. On numerous occasions he has made negative remarks about my boyfriend's job (my bf was laid off from his job and had to take a temporary job until he gets a position in his field), the fact that we don't live together, and other aspects of my personal life (my house, my finances). Even once rudely commenting that I must be "jealous" of their home and family. Very hurtful to say the least...
Once, during a party, her husband had a few too many, and while passing me on the way to get another drink, made a suggestive comment about my outfit that evening and how "good" I looked.
He has gotten angry with me several times - once because I made a joke about moving in with them after I was divorced, again because I fed his dog from the table, and another time because I picked up his son when he was crying.
I am at their house quite often, several times a week at least. My friend and I joke that I am her "surrogate husband" as it often feels like I am more of a husband and partner to her than her real husband is. We joke in good fun, but I wonder if he feels somehow threatened by my presence.
Just this week, he returned home early from work (a true rarity) while I was still at their house playing in the yard with his children. Instead of saying hello, he merely stated "You're still here?" and walked inside.
I don't think he is abusive at all - verbally or physically. But rather neglectful, and maybe a bit controlling over his wife and children. If he was abusive, I would most certainly have spoken to her or her family immediatly. Abuse of any kind - verbal or physical - is simply untolerable to me, and I would have taken action regardless of the effect it would have on our friendship.
So...where does this leave me?
Well, I love my friend, and I would never - could never - discuss this with her in any open fashion that wouldn't hurt her feelings. Also, I wouldn't want to put her in an awkward position of having to feel uncomfortable if her husband and me are both there at the same time.
I guess I just wanted to vent, and put my feelings out there for the universe. Perhaps someday things will change, or she will notice and say something to him about his behavior, or I will just continue to ignore his rudeness.
But, there is a part of me that wants better for her, wants to tell her she deserves better, that he isn't good enough to have such a wonderful wife and children...but for now, I will remain silent.
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